a confession.

We're more than a week into the New 2011 Year and I've yet to write a "Happy New Year!", "Reflect on the Past", "Live for the Kingdom" kind of post. And all week, I've been puzzling about my inability to start out the 2011 blog year with a dramatically well-written, unforgettable masterpiece, especially since it is the business of writer-hopefuls to make sure they take advantage of every opportunity to do just that.

Last night, I finally figured out why.

Setting: A gathering of about 250-300 other Jesus followers in the re-made warehouse home to Ecclesia Church.

Situation: We are there to remember and dwell on the One who makes all things new, and to be transformed by Him and His extravagant grace toward us now and in the eternal future. We are singing together about how we want His goodness to bind us like fetters and we are flooded with the gracious Word that reminds us Heaven will overwhelm dying Earth's senses and redeem her.

Suddenly, in dramatic and even grotesque irony, Jesus whispers to me: 'You want to be famous, don't you?'
After a moment's hesitation, I know that I cannot flee His penetrating gaze so I internally agree: 'Yes, I want to be famous.'

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It's true. I can't deny that my pride often has been the rudder steering the ship of my motivation over the past months (years?). When did it happen that my dream of making Jesus famous became my dream of making me famous? I'm not sure. But in the past 24 hours, I have shed many tears of regret, shame and sadness because somehow greatness in the eyes of other people has begun to replace greatness in my Beloved's eyes.

You see, deep down I want to be completely fine with the fact that my life may be lived in total oblivion in comparison to other humans. I want to rejoice only and fully in the deep trust that God sees, and that is all that matters. But there is also the desire to be significant now, to change people and influence nations and build up the Church and raise children that will also be significant and publish and create and be known by people. My selfish ambition is nauseating even to me by this point.

So, I am confessing to you, my small but faithful readership, because I need to be held in check. I need to be reminded of the Gospel--that God's unconditional love extends itself in grace to me no matter what the hell I do or do not do--that my life, because it has been lost and found in Him, is wholly significant--that His fame should be my humble service. Will you be my companions along this narrow Way?

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Epilogue: Communion's music...

Tasting Forgiveness
by Robbie Seay Band

I'm pleading my innocence here
Exposing my arrogance all the while
Hoping that nobody sees
Especially You

I've yielded to all that has cost me
And thrown to the side what is free
And I'm lying if I say that I've figured it out

But maybe this time
The bread and the wine
Will be more than food on my lips

I'm tasting forgiveness
And drinking of mercy
I feast on redemption
Tasting forgiveness